I didn't do it!

Let me start by saying that I would have gladly killed Mr. Mildew, had I not been attending my own funeral.  I am writing this alibi as a ghost, hoping to clear my name so that I may rest in peace.  I understand that you may be confused as to how I am typing this, seeing as I’m a ghost and all, but let me tell you, being a ghost isn't what the movies make it out to be.  I can’t float around and walk through walls. I have to obey the laws of physics just like you do; you simply cannot see me.  Despite popular belief, I can actually pick up objects and use them.  Unfortunately, you police folk seem to be aware of this; hence the reason I am in question for the murder of Herman Mildew.  So yes, it’s true, I did hate him.  He was the worst editor anyone could ask for.  He smelled atrocious, made fun of my spectacular work, edited it to the point of no recognition, and did I mention he smelled bad?  I am quite lenient in regard to maintaining personal hygiene, but Mr. Herman Mildew could have killed small animals with such a stench.  Let me set this straight though, I am much too classy to haunt someone of such little prestige.  Yes, I would have killed him with enthusiasm, but while I was alive!  Being dead is sort of like retirement; I’m in permanent rest-mode, thus I am much too lazy nowadays to plot the death of someone so inferior to me.  And besides all of that, I am offended by the mere suggestion that I would kill someone rather than attend MY funeral.  I am much more important than someone like THAT.

            Despite my offence on the matter, I will give further proof that I did not assassinate Mr. Mildew. Below is a copy of my very own funeral program (which, by the way, I always wanted to have my funeral service in the evening and am pleased to see that my wishes were respected):

Order of Service 

 

6:00 PM -Processional 

6:30-7:00 PM -Tributes 

7:00-7:10 PM -Obituary Reading 

7:10-7:20 PM -Final Viewing 

7:20 PM -Recessional 

            After the recessional, I sat around with my family and friends (unbeknownst to them, obviously) and enjoyed the potluck they held in my honor.  They ate apple pie and ice cream cake in loving memory of moi.  Now if you still do not believe that I was otherwise occupied during the night in question, you may ask any of the people who attended my funeral service, and they will surely tell you that you are crazy for even suspecting me.  They can also confirm that that was the night of my funeral service.  On a closing note, I cannot say I am displeased by the death of Herman Mildew. I am, in fact, quite thrilled. I will say once more though that I am far superior to him in every way and would never stoop low enough to murder him. I hope I have now cleared any question on the matter and that you will please leave me be. Thank you, and good day.